Panic, loneliness and depression

Yesterday was tough. I experienced all kinds of emotions that I wasn't in control of, and that I didn't agree with. You know that's a problem because I like to think that I choose my emotions.

I am afraid and looking forward to a particular calling that I might be getting. It would stretch me like nothing else. Of course I would grow, but my lifestyle would change so much. What is now relaxing time with my wife would become meetings, people coming at me with needs, and stress. I'd be expected to always be there and be capable, no matter how the rest of my day went, and no matter what time it is, and no matter if I had time for it. I'd have people deciding I wasn't enough, and mumbling to my face that I'm not getting it. I'd have to decide if they're right, and how much to listen to their complaints. I could make adjustments, then listen the next day to someone else who had an opposite opinion.

My friends wouldn't see me the same. The kinds of conversations would change. I'd stop being a cohort, and I'd be seen as something else. It might be lonely. I'd have to stop farting and laughing about it. I'd always have to be pleasant and in a good mood. And I'd have to always care, and I'd have to remember people names and faces. That's not something I've ever been able to do.

You can never be enough for a calling like that. I get that. And I get that the Lord helps anyone with a calling like that - or that he's willing to do it if He is allowed in. Still, I fear the loss of the lifestyle I know, in exchange for a lifestyle I know nothing about. What I have now is pretty great! We're building our dream house, we love each other from the center of our beings, we make enough money to do whatever we want to do and buy whatever we want. We can leave whenever we want and vacation, and we are attracting great friends. The kind that lift us and me to places I've never known. I love that.

I receive guidance from you regularly, and I love that too. It's easy to know what to do when you're told what to do, and I love the feeling that I get when I follow your guidance.

That's my lifestyle. I like it. I really like it. Now, it might all be thrown into the blender in exchange for - I don't know what. Meetings. Demands. Late nights and emergencies. Arguing people who want me to fix it. Hey Garth! Fix this! No! Over here! Fix that! Why are you never available to me! I need time! And then I come home to a wife who loves me, and I've not seen her all day, and it's nearly midnight.

I have a set of people that I don't like. They are all generally in the category of superficial humans that would rather be seen as good, but behind the scenes - not so good. I don't like these people and I don't want to be around them, and most importantly, I don't want to have to talk to them, be nice to them, or associate with them. If I get this calling, I'll have to do nothing that may be perceived as being rude to anyone, or the Lord will take the unfair blame.

And what about a certain someone? She makes a hobby of criticizing others. I've never stopped being her primary target, but now there will be fresh meat. Even Christ's perfection would not prevent criticism from raining down. If I wasn't criticized for being inadequate, I'd be criticized for being too much. I'd be criticized for being a poser. I'd be criticized for not giving enough of myself, or too much of myself. Or for taking time away from my family. I really don't like giving her more opportunity to criticize the Lord's church through criticizing me.

I think I'm panicking like it was a death. I'm fearing the loss of my way of life. While the spirit side of me wants the growth, the physical side and the intelligent side are in great fear.

I've always tried to do what you want me to do. I guess I know that doing what I'm guided to do turns out well, and I know I won't be alone if I don't close the door on you. I know I'm inadequate and not up to the job, and I know that's irrelevant. It's not my inadequacy that scares me, it's the loss of my time and lifestyle. I can lay that on the altar I guess. I am sure that what will come will be better than in some way, but I know it will be a different better. I'll miss my free time breathing, and I'll miss the available moments to just sit down and do things like this. But there will be something I'll run into that makes that better than this. Something I'll appreciate and value.

All of my fears make me want to panic. They bring up feelings of loneliness because I'm sure nobody else gets what I'm feeling. I feel depressed at times. I don't know why. It just comes.

Then I get that this is Satan's playbook. He's got a list of plays he throws at me. They must work because he throws the same plays at pretty much everyone.

I'll do it, but I've got my demons, and they know me well. I get that someday I'll look back on this beginning like it was opening a front door, but right now it feels like a door to a cavern I know nothing about. I realize that I stood up yesterday and told the group that the Lord gives us 1 step forward. It's easy for me to tell someone else about that, but much harder to step in willingly to an unknown and dark room, and away from what's comfortable and familiar.

Nephi said he'd go and do. What he didn't mention is the fear he felt when he said that.